Lower Your Expectations

That handy little phrase can be applied to every single aspect of your life. And in fact, it's the most popular coping mechanism for the human race. From something as simple as Verizon saying they are "America's most reliable network" while Cingular has the "fewest dropped calls", to the voluntary blinders we methaphorically wear when we know that our job sucks, our personal life sucks, or the people in control of the country are ruining our place in history.

Thankfully, they are also the ones writing the history books, so we can rest assured that our spot will come out on the other side looking shinier than when we came into this world.
But yeah, the best way to deal with a situation is to lower your standards. That's the American way. And if you don't like the American way, you can go fuck yourself! America is the greatest country on the planet...no, in the universe. And nothing you present to me, be it fact, fiction, mountains of indisputable evidence, myth, rumor, hearsay, first-hand experience, scientific research, or something you found in a fortune cookie is gonna change my mind.

But back to lowering your standards...

Example 1: You hate your job.
Well, you've got to lower your standards. (duh). Don’t think about all the money you AREN’T making. Don’t think about how much the CEOs of this world rake home every day in their high-end BMWs with their multi-million dollar mansions and their three-week vacations every year. You need to think about the money you do take in, and how many weeks it will take you to finally get that iPod you’ve been wanting since you saw it on Desperate Housewives last week.

Example 2: You hate your life.
Start by thinking “What if I were dead?” How good would your quality of life be then? Bet you’d gladly hand over your taxes for a chance to resurrect yourself. Tupac isn’t seeing any of the royalties in the grave. His family’s living pretty good though. And Sandra Bullock’s career has been dead for years.

Now think about all those shows that tell you how shitty your life truly is. The OC, The Hills, My Super Sweet 16, The Girls Next Door, and any of the tabloid shows. Aren’t you glad there are other people who have to worry about running over paparazzi with their $200,000 Maserati? And aren’t you glad there isn’t a line of screaming people waiting for you when you exit the posh rehab clinic? Those are horrors you should be happy you’ve never experienced.

Example 3: You hate the political leadership and the de-mock-racy of the USA.
Just imagine what your life would be like if regular people were to hold office. Is that something you want on your conscience? You need to have at least 15 years experience, or be a minority, to hold a public office in this country assshole! Don’t forget that even if you somehow garner enough groundswell of support, you’ll never be able to raise the money needed to run a proper campaign, especially within a system that has already awarded millions of dollars to the incumbents/two political parties, and a system that is skewed heavily in their favors, owned and operated by said political parties.

So here’s what you do. Watch Wolf Blitzer tell you why you should be angry, petition your state to arbitrarily move its primary to Feb. 5, then sit at home and ignore the whole thing because you can’t be troubled to actually go out and vote. You are American. It’s your God-given right to piss and moan about things without having to actually do something about them. Unless, of course, you are entered in a $1 million lottery when you vote. In which case…ah, who am I kidding. I’m not gonna win it. Some elderly person will win it. Or one of those goddamn immigrants.

Example 4: You think other people can’t drive.
Seat belt fastened? Yup. Mirrors checked? Sure. Middle finger ready? Locked and loaded.
Why settle for laws that help the public, like mandatory testing every four to ten years for all drivers or stricter penalties for offenders? We need laws like no talking on your cell phone while you drive and no eating in your car. Sure, these things are distracting, but the way you drive anyway, it’s not that different with or without a “distraction.”

Perhaps the least enforced law in the country is…keeping right except to pass. The amount of road rage incidents, rear-end collisions, congestion, traffic, and people palying slalom on the highways would be greatly reduced. But you’re a self-righteous driver who is willing to take on the entire pool of cars behind you just so you can drive 55 in the left lane. Who cares about the fact that your left blinker is still on since you entered the highway 20 minutes ago, or the fact that everyone is “illegally passing” you on the right side. OH! There’s your exit. Better jerk the wheel to the right without looking and get on your exit! WHOA! Almost hit some jackass who was in the right lane. What a prick! How dare HE impede YOU! Goddamnit! You should probably do the right thing and beat your wife when you get home, just to prove the point that other drivers are assholes.

Well, there you have it. Four easy ways to lower your standards and get through life much easier. Don’t forget, the US Presidential election is only 483 days away. Get out and vote! NOW!!!!!!